Sunday, July 21, 2013

For women only :)

Those of you who know me, know that I have had chronic back pain for about four years now. On my good days it constantly feels like someone is shoving a sharpened pencil into my lower back, on my bad days I have so much radiating pain it brings me to tears.I know what I feel is nothing compared to the pain my husband feels everyday, and physical, we cant compare. We can only use adjectives and painful groans. sometimes, it's scary how similar the pain is that we feel, no matter the degree.

I have a tattoo covering my back that I shed two tears during the process. But that was a pain I asked for, my back pain isn't.I have a tolerance for pain. This isn't something little that I am whining about. regardless, after four years, pain is pain.

I've had an Xray, CT scan, MRI, and multiple blood tests done. All revealing nothing.
I've lived with this pain for years. Through pain pills and physical therapy. All to be told I was faking it for medication.
I wouldn't take any medication ever at all if the pain would just go away, forever.

I've just been able to go back to a doctor again. The first thing I asked her, as I have the many doctors before,  is if it might be my IUD causing my pain.
Out of all the doctors and physical therapists I've seen she's the only one that readily agreed I should try taking out my IUD.Her second opinion is that it's my mental anguish that is causing the pain. I can't disagree. It could be either, or something else completely.

I've had that procedure done, taking the IUD out, but my pain persists. I hope that my body is just readjusting, and eventually I will feel like a normal 26 year old woman. I think it's unfair that I've had to deal with back pain for most all of my young adult life.

But who knows how karma works.

With out the IUD I am, trying a different form of birth control.... which means.... that after 7 years I'll have hormones put in my body again.
With all my mental problems who knows how that will turn out.

>Insert dry laughter here<

I have baby fever, very bad.

I told my husband when we married and joined our families, that I wanted to have another baby.
t has never seemed like the right time, even now.

Some say it will never seem like the right time, and to go for it. Then others say to wait until you know.

I know we are barely keeping our heads above water as it is.

I also know the age gap is getting further and further apart. Some nights I dream of another child in our house, some I wonder how much I would regret not having another child. Regardless, I feel like having a baby with my husband will bind our family. I love my husband, I love all three of my children. A child born between my husband and I will connect us all. We are a wonderful family, full of love, but you can never have enough love.  

Yeah, I want a baby. Beyond connecting our families, I want the smiles, the cuddles, the love, the sleep deprivation, the fear of germs, and the complication of all the choices. The good and the bad, I've thought about it all. So much, at times, it keeps me up at night,

We have a room, that can be made to a nursery. But it would need carpet, sheet rock, and furniture.

Boy or Girl? I would be happy with either. A boy would be awesome, I love my boys, I have everything for boys. I like to think that I know how to handle them... although, of course, every child is different. A girl would be amazing also, someone I could spoil in dresses and raise to be a country girl. A country girl that would kick any guys a**

I feel like I finally have the option now that I don't have an IUD, but I also feel like it's not the time for me to make the choice. It just stays on my mind.

All I know is, Everything happens for a reason. Everything.

Friday, July 5, 2013


I love the free section on Craigslist. More often than not, the post is gone before you see it. This week though, I scored, and I am very excited about it. My husband.... not so much.

Free books!!! Tons of them!! 

They filled up the back of our Tahoe and, and spilled over into our trailer. Books of all kids. Kids stories, Young Adult Novels, Religious books, Non fiction, textbooks. You name it, I got it!! I had a huge grin on my face as we were loading them up. The couple we got them from were moving out of state and had to get rid of them. She called herself a book hoarder. Hmmm... Is that what I am? 

The back of the Tahoe is full of non fiction and religious books. They haven't even been unloaded yet, I need to get some heavy duty boxes! From the owners house, we carried them out about twenty at a time. It took for ever! 

I have only been able to go through the kids books so far, and I am excited. There are some great books, and lots of them.

 Workbooks, learning books, and lots on cursive writing, which is something that schools aren't teaching kids anymore. I'm not a fan of cursive writing, I never use it, but I have adapted cursive style into my everyday writing.

I found some books that I remember from my childhood. 

Of course, everyone remembers Good Night Moon. I also loved Good Night Gorilla: the story of the zoo keeper trying to get the big bafoon into his cage. Johnny Appleseed by Stephen Kellogg, with his amazing installations (As Steven Kellogg always does). 
A Pocket for corduroy... Not the same book that I remember as a child, but a continuation I am sure. My two favorites, The Digging-est Dog, and The Best Nest Ever. I used to love these books!

The boys are excited, we have a limited supply of books here. More than most, but still limited. If they read like I did when I was little, the Hopkins Library isn't going to do it for them.

I signed the boys up for the Summer reading programs, and one of them is almost done with the requirement of reading 25 books within the summer time frame.I signed up for the reading program to, with the commitment that I would read to the kids for 30 miniatures each night. So far...
 I have failed. 
I want to read them the Laura Ingalls Wilder series, but with all these other options we may have to rethink our options. Maybe find something more boyish.

What are some of your favorite books from your childhood, or ones that you love to read to your childrens?

Monday, July 1, 2013

To Be Loved

It has been a very emotional week.

As you can see from the beautiful picture on the right, we lost one of our goats this weekend.

Kinley, and Denali showed up at our house in a flurry of dramatics. They were unexpected, and we welcomed them in with loving open arms.

Kinley, wasn't a big fan of me. When they came to our house I had to chase him down a couple of times and he has held a grudge against me since. He kept his distance from me, if at all possible.

Last night, we had some friends over and happened to stay up late. Riley came out and said that one of the babies was lying on it's side like it was dead. I went in and rushed Kinley out of the pen. We weren't sure what was wrong with him, but we did what we could to keep him alive. He had three medics working on him, cooling him down and giving him fluids. We got him stabilized and comfortable in the house.

To the best of our knowledge, we think that Kinley contracted tetanus. His back legs and mouth locked up, and it slowly spread through his body. I slept with him for 2 hours. I believe I may have been forgiven for chasing him. He snuggled up in my arms, and cried for me when I got up. As the disease spread through his body, his muscles contracted and wouldn't release.

When tractor supply opened I went to get Kinley his tetanus antitoxin. By that time I got back home Kinleys front legs and a neck were locked up. I did what I could for him, and I snuggled with him all day. His body was stiff, but he could move his eyes around. I told him everything that was going on while petting and holding him. At one point, as he was laying there, a single tear came out of his eye. I started crying. They say animals don't cry out of emotion, but it seemed more than emotional to me.

I made him as comfortable as possible, if I had to leave, one of the boys sat with him while I was gone. He could look around with his eyes, even though he couldn't move his body. I held him up until his last breath, with tears running down my cheeks.

We are trying to build up a homestead, and deaths are expected. Kinley's isn't the first we've seen, nor will it be the last, but to watch a slow painful death is hard. I had hope and faith the entire time that at any point he would start feeling better.

The research I did on tetanus wasn't pretty. I am running on lack of sleep, but if I remember correctly it is a bacteria that lives in a spore. It can lay dormant in dirt for over 100 years, and in a goat for 1-3 weeks. Don't quote me on that. Unless you catch the disease quite early on there, isn't much that can be done.

I will miss Kinley, and I know that Denali does. Denali is in the house with us. Tetanus is contagious, through animals, humans, and locations. I gave Denali all of his shots, and he is living in our bathroom for now. I don't want to take any chances, losing one is hard enough.

 I miss Kinley. He had his reservations about me, but all was resolved, even if under the harshest circumstances. Kinley may not have had a long life, but in the end he was loved. These babies came to us for a reason, maybe his sole reason was to know what love is, at a time that he needed it the most.