Sunday, July 21, 2013

For women only :)

Those of you who know me, know that I have had chronic back pain for about four years now. On my good days it constantly feels like someone is shoving a sharpened pencil into my lower back, on my bad days I have so much radiating pain it brings me to tears.I know what I feel is nothing compared to the pain my husband feels everyday, and physical, we cant compare. We can only use adjectives and painful groans. sometimes, it's scary how similar the pain is that we feel, no matter the degree.

I have a tattoo covering my back that I shed two tears during the process. But that was a pain I asked for, my back pain isn't.I have a tolerance for pain. This isn't something little that I am whining about. regardless, after four years, pain is pain.

I've had an Xray, CT scan, MRI, and multiple blood tests done. All revealing nothing.
I've lived with this pain for years. Through pain pills and physical therapy. All to be told I was faking it for medication.
I wouldn't take any medication ever at all if the pain would just go away, forever.

I've just been able to go back to a doctor again. The first thing I asked her, as I have the many doctors before,  is if it might be my IUD causing my pain.
Out of all the doctors and physical therapists I've seen she's the only one that readily agreed I should try taking out my IUD.Her second opinion is that it's my mental anguish that is causing the pain. I can't disagree. It could be either, or something else completely.

I've had that procedure done, taking the IUD out, but my pain persists. I hope that my body is just readjusting, and eventually I will feel like a normal 26 year old woman. I think it's unfair that I've had to deal with back pain for most all of my young adult life.

But who knows how karma works.

With out the IUD I am, trying a different form of birth control.... which means.... that after 7 years I'll have hormones put in my body again.
With all my mental problems who knows how that will turn out.

>Insert dry laughter here<

I have baby fever, very bad.

I told my husband when we married and joined our families, that I wanted to have another baby.
t has never seemed like the right time, even now.

Some say it will never seem like the right time, and to go for it. Then others say to wait until you know.

I know we are barely keeping our heads above water as it is.

I also know the age gap is getting further and further apart. Some nights I dream of another child in our house, some I wonder how much I would regret not having another child. Regardless, I feel like having a baby with my husband will bind our family. I love my husband, I love all three of my children. A child born between my husband and I will connect us all. We are a wonderful family, full of love, but you can never have enough love.  

Yeah, I want a baby. Beyond connecting our families, I want the smiles, the cuddles, the love, the sleep deprivation, the fear of germs, and the complication of all the choices. The good and the bad, I've thought about it all. So much, at times, it keeps me up at night,

We have a room, that can be made to a nursery. But it would need carpet, sheet rock, and furniture.

Boy or Girl? I would be happy with either. A boy would be awesome, I love my boys, I have everything for boys. I like to think that I know how to handle them... although, of course, every child is different. A girl would be amazing also, someone I could spoil in dresses and raise to be a country girl. A country girl that would kick any guys a**

I feel like I finally have the option now that I don't have an IUD, but I also feel like it's not the time for me to make the choice. It just stays on my mind.

All I know is, Everything happens for a reason. Everything.


  1. I have tried time and time again to get this post formatted correctly, no matter how I do it in editing, it looks horrible posted :( I apologize and hope you can read through it.

  2. Go with your heart. It will never seem like the right time. My personal opinion justvlet nature take its course if itvis meant to be it will happen :) you two arr great and deserve no less

  3. I agree with the OP...go with your heart and let nature take it's course.
    Hope your feeling better soon

  4. Let your heart lead the way, and remember what I told you. Only you know that conversation we had. I love you with all my heart and hope and pray that one day there will be another Justice and crossing fingers for a girl, so I can spoil her rotten.